mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

that feeling

Somehow, i'm getting a certain feeling of dread, that i'll have to give up everything soon.

that i'll be on a very far and long journey and there will be no turning back. i have no idea whats gonna happen, or if i can do anything at all.

i wish this feeling would go away but i guess if Death does come, i'll be prepared this time around. Looking forward for my next blogpost if it ever comes

New Challenges

I guess its just not meant to be because i was told to quit my current job immediately to rejoin the organization as a full time staff, but just as that begun someone spreaded malicious rumors against me, and stated that it was a fact based on pure speculation alone and also seeing only what they want to see and caused everyone else to believe that it was true. I believe that it was a little too obvious of the people's intentions, that they do not want me back, and some friends from there that still do care were dissapointed, but as much as i want to repay their kindess and all of their efforts poured on me, i do not want to be amongst people who would not bat an eye on the welfare of others, as long as their own agenda was fulfilled. People marketed them as being improved and transformed, but from those actions of theirs, it was obvious that they are still their old selves. Obviously, i still do want to work in there but it seems that this is not the right moment.

I'm making it a mission in life to repay the kindness of the Spiritual Leader in any way possible, who's helped me break out of my self created prison as well as loving and caring people who really helped me out and taught me the warmth of humankind (as well as the not so good parts). I failed to do it at this opportunity but like everything else, it has to be worked towards. And i'll prove all those nasty rumors against me wrong. Because i know my goal in life.

You can say i feel empty right now, but i prefer to see it as a challenge to myself, after all its because of wrong PR moves that i ruffled up the feathers of the people in there, leading to them hating me and getting a very bad and almost unchangeable impression of me. So i gotta let things cool down a bit and see what happens. I do know that they're now doing more hands-on work, which is an improvement and i am honestly happy for them, but by their recent actions, its been dissapointing, so to speak as it dosent take much to see through their intentions or mine. Besides, my mind hasnt stabilized to the level required to do more work in the organization..

But on other things, work is being work, the way it is supposed to be. I am now learning how to create JSP pages from scratch at work with lots of support from colleagues. It's starting to blossom and i get to really learn something new instead of doing routine work everyday...its fun but the pay is too low to survive these days..its considered good but i wanna find something with more freedom and less routine...maybe freelance journalism? get to show up once a month at the office while the rest of the days are spent interviewing people and seeing things? Oh well, the more the experience, the more its gonna help build and stabilize my mind.

As for now, my personal life has more friends now. Its less lonely and i'm finally learning to live and juggle what life is about. Just had a very nice and fulfilling dinner with Syafiq, who has returned to Malaysia for a short holiday after studying in Australia and Louis, his good friend which used to be his neighbor.

anyway, come what may this year bring, but i will make the best of it, as its still up to me. Tommorow's gonna be busy tho -- 3 places to go, limited energy. haha time to guzzle the red bulls