mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

going around

I realized I rarely blogged for the past year, judging from the lack of posts from my LJ page. I scrolled down and I saw last year's new year post.

It kinda made me see how I kinda ignored myself and the things which I should really be facing all this while and rather distracting myself with other people's opinions about my life and how stopping that stupid cycle helped made my life so much better. The problem wasn't with them, it was with me. As long as I dont allow anyone to brainwash me and that I listen to my gut feeling, things will be the way they are meant to be.

Sometimes I feel if I made the right or wrong decision, what really matters? At the end it will all be wasted.

Everytime when I feel that I am about to fall apart, i dont but instead I get stronger when I recover. Wiser and slowly resembling who I want to be more and more.

perhaps it is time I take a few steps back to examine myself.

Getting real for the next challenge.

Yeps. It’s been a very long time since I have updated my blog, but I finally have at long last.
I haven’t updated this blog for a very long time because my parents cut off my internet connection, due to them being brainwashed almost completely by some irresponsible people who claimed that it was done for my own good but the obvious is otherwise. You’ll be surprised how much trouble and permanent (and semi permanent) damages that misinformation and backstabbing can do. Anyways, that’s really another story that will never be talked again ever because there isn’t a need to. Unless, of course if it can un-emo an emo kid or stop someone from being suicidal, then maybe I’ll bring it up.

And while I’m leading a normal life after waking up to the fact that I was spiritual not because I really am, but because I’m really a loser at everything else so I turned to spirituality, everything’s going on as planned. As planned, meaning, things going along fine even if it means going through painful decisions (pulling myself out of a loving, caring community because in reality I had nothing to give back, so it would be like a leech and the logical decision was to pull out before more damage was done or getting my own bris. Google that one) and it turns out to be not so painful after all. Ta duh! The secret to making painful decisions: just bite the stick and go through with it. It only hurts during the surgery and during the recovery. Be a man and take the hit.

It’s also in times of crisis like these that I know what real friendship is: thanks to empire23 who lent me his place for a day or two so that I could really, really shake up my parents to the fact that I shouldn’t be where I should not be. It’s also thanks to him helping me set my mindset straight on achieving something that I am able to stand up and be what I want to be. It’s rare to get a friend like that…at least in my world. People that give advice are all over the place…but does the advice really help? And only one out of my circle of friends was kind enough to lend his place for the moment without any agenda. I never thought I had to stoop to such a level from a friend whom I have been taking from for like, forever but I will try my best to help when he’s in need (which isn’t likely because he’s able to handle his own problems….waaaay better than me) and yea, it dosent make me feel happy at all although the 2 weeks with him did make me happier.

And I’m sorry because I do have a problem trying to follow through an advice. It’s my fault, really because I lack the courage and self confidence to stick with something and carry it out all along until now. And I’m sad that due to this weakness someone whom I always thought of as a big sister kinda burned the bridges off with me, but it’s okay. What was I expecting anyway? I was getting to everyone’s boiling point. It’s more of my fault for seeing her as someone that would help me work through my problems and taking that for granted rather than waking up to the fact that she’s human too and there’s so much she can take before she blows up. There are many things that I didn’t understand before (and I probably never will unless I get a huge book that explains about human social behaviors and attitudes…or just socialize out more: both are also highly unlikely but I’m gonna change that with all I’ve got) which I have learnt bit by bit. It’s not really about getting sympathy because it’s not what I need: it’s information and the correct mindset that I need to learn/find.

Anyway, I’ve reapplied a separate phone line for my internuts, allowing me to surf the net freely while not under the mercy of my paranoid, brain-washed parents. It’s gonna take a while to set things straight with them but it’s possible. They’re still my parents but I just need to get all the mistrust which all the misinformation by certain parties have done. So that’s no problem, but really for those who know me and follow this blog, I’m saying this just to let you know that I’m allright.

I’m starting work soon and I’m both nervous and excited about it. Nervous because I don’t really know what to expect and how to advance my own career without drawing the attention of backstabbers and/or making enemies, and excited because it’s a completely new environment for me which I can socialize more and really see what life has to offer. I feel confident that I am finally able to make decisions that will help me advance in working life to get enough moolah for a proper tertiary education somewhere in England/Australia/Japan/US and experience life as a Uni student. Then gain enough skills to be of benefit to that community and to all the friends that has helped me along.

There was this episode of Oprah about cleaning up your life, and the life coach guy who wrote some self help book with a random title taught a family who lost a son about throwing things that bring negative memories in the house, and keep only those that brought positive ones. They threw a lot of stuff that reminded them of sad things and kept only those that made them happy and it did made a difference for them, so I thought, what the heck, there’s so much sad memories in my room that I should simply just trash out, and I applied this while I was cleaning up my room, throwing away all the old trash which reminded me of unhappy things and boy did it made a huge difference. Old school photos and photos of me in the camps made me feel happy again as I thought of the times where I had little friends but was able to enjoy their company. It was no longer of those painful times. Nor is it about wanting those feelings to stay on and not moving on till I got them. It was about going out to making more of those for myself and everyone else around me.

And so, it’s really my new year’s resolution: to work towards my ultimate goals in a more realistic, less idealistic manner, step by step and letting my guard up dosent mean not trusting people, it simply means being more careful about what I say and do around people. All these came from that community which I am eternally grateful for despite everything that happened but my place just isn’t there for the moment.
I’ve been accused of someone who’s greedy for food and money (both which isn’t true, because as much as I have a neverending wishlist, I don’t really place too much importance on money, and I’ve never gone for miles just for delicious food or being picky about it, or pigging myself out every week for the record, so how can I be greedy for food?) and even really funny stuff like I am afraid of pain (yea right, I don’t really fear needles or death and I went through bris...hello?) and proving these people wrong to myself will really be satisfying. The only thing I fear is being stuck in a place with no progress and moving nowhere. As long as I am not stuck without options, I know I can succeed.