mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

moving positively.

Yes. It's been 4 months now and things have still not been getting any better, although inside of me is getting cleaner and cleaner every day as all the crap I have been hiding and stuffing up inside gets purged like Linda Blair's +3 projectile vomit in Exorcist.

Yep. I'm alone in this battle. I thought people could help me fight this battle for me but nopes. They cant.

Although it is hard to face what is coming up ahead, but thinking positive in the right way (not in Selma's way (Dancer in the Dark), that's just escapism and you have no idea how many people do that...) that I can do it and get through it and I should start thinking about what is it like when I have already made it.

Somehow or rather, I am disapointed with myself in many ways because I turn out to be this completely different person who was reallly different than who I thought I was when things go wrong or go different.

Sadly, that is when it counts. Not normally. I've dissapointed someone deeply again. He's very hurt by my dissapointing.

Only way to go is to change myself deep inside. Something that is happening slowly but surely at this moment.

facing yourself

yea..this word has been repeated so many times that people dont even know what it means.

It is when you accept the mistakes and the reprecussions that you reap from them and find a way to solve or reconcile them.

Frankly I need help but I cant get it which is why i have to depend on myself to do what I cant do.

ever since the layer of illusion shattered, I have been getting consistent headaches and panic attacks which caused me to shut down from everyone. Feels like a blockage in my brain because at those moments, my head acutally feels cold. Might need to ask a doctor what the hell is going on if I'm to progress.

against my will.

who's gonna help? or even understand? I've been testing their patience too long to expect any form of help.

obviously, if I can look through this, this wil be ok. But that is the hardest part to do at the moment.

decision: recreate another illusion that caters to these people, or be totally honest and start myself from scratch.

I pick the latter, but it'll take longer and these people cant wait any longer.

leave? y/n

n

honesty is coming back but still needs help.

Relevations

Someone just pointed out who I really am, based on what I do to people consistently, again and again.

I'm someone who hates the rules, who hates confinement to the core. I just want to be a wanderer. But then again, I know that will never, ever bring me anywhere.

It's like knowing something and not being able to do anything about it because you arent strong enough. I feel like a zombie...a soul trapped in a body not his. Sounds emo and all but its pretty frustrating. I'm not connected inside. I'm not. And I cant seem to.

I need help to connect inside. Things evade me.

I always felt that, if I just did what I want to...if I dont freaking follow all the rules, I'll be free. If I follow the my intuition, I'll be at the right place.

I'm at the right place now, but I realize I cant depend on my intuition now. I have to start following rules and caring about people.

I'm still learning and I still cant do it in reality. I cant feel inside. It's all cold and broken although I know..or I want to believe that it is warm and working.

My mind just stopped working for the day and I dididnt know what caused it. I just realized it was because an illusion was shattered.

Who will help me? who would understand...that I have been trying my best but the rest of me is just not following. I've been lying to myself and numbing myself too long. It's just layer upon layer upon layer of lies and illusions.

And they'll keep coming. as long as they're around, i cannot be a normal person.

help.

although

no
one
will

or
can

but myself.

I feel like shouting this out because no one around wants to hear anything I say because my actions do not match my words. But I want to say it. And Actualize what I say.

Just for once.

I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm otherwise. I can only do this if i get past this.