mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

When we were young

I wanna be a boy again. Everything's smaller, but so are my problems.

Dont you just hate that feeling? The one where its the peter pan syndrome. because you felt that you lost too much of your childhood because you have been virtually mentally dead and generally a zombie...ugh. Maybe I'm the only one who gets this, along with the nutty people in amerika. And dumb and self centered whiny people.

I felt that so much time has been wasted in my youth, pursuing stuff that's silly and trying to numb myself from whats going on. I feel like a junkie. Waking up is painful in more ways than one.

I wanna go trek in a jungle or something, maybe alone or with a few people I feel comfortable. Or just bum at home and be like last time. Probally for a few weeks until I get back on my feet. Kinda tired and overburning now. I'm burning mentally. Perhaps its a good burn.

But it still hurts. Its a good kind of hurt. Like the kind you get after a great, workout. You feel like a new person.

Speaking of workouts, I'm kinda excited as my office will be relocating near Anabolic gym. Perhaps I can go work out there. *drool*. I MISS MY IRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Missing

Well, its chinese new year so happy chinese new year and all those stuff. I'm not really into niceties

A lot earlier, I have mentioned of how Tsem Tulku Rinpoche injected life into my veins and painted colours into my vision (um, basically helping me to "feel" everything and everyone around me again) and now I realize it has disadvantages as well: since I can feel things now, I am appreciating everything around me. Before this sounds like a good thing, it's actually very painful experience because I tend to dwell in a loop in the good times, almost indefinetly and to step out from that is like being raped by a clown. In other words, its not a nice feeling, and the whole reason why I numbed myself to everything after the big breakup was due to that. I'm facing my phobia this time.

I miss my family...my messy room, with the yellow lights and my computer that I can do everything with...and touch its intimates...that I built with my own hands and ordered the parts individually.....the warm, yellow light and my bed that I have been using for years...nd my blanket that I was using since I was 7...my granny and parent's warmness...my dad's company...my mom's care...my granny's kindness....and my cousins, maternal granny and maternal aunts' warmness as well as all the food and pampering...yea its offcial: I'm a spoilt brat, but the change is pretty much painful.

I miss being able to watch my fave series...sleeping late and lazing the whole day doing nothing and talking to my granny.........I miss those moments...

I'm depressed and cant make judgements but what the heck, life goes on. Fuck you depression, get out of my head.

*bump* ouch. my head.

Yep, it has been pretty busy over here at JoeyLand. Lots of things to do but very little time to do it.

And again, was talking to Paris again (must. Add. Blog. To. Friendslist.) And I kinda got reminded of the really old blogcircle game I used to try to play with the huge playas like kennysia, missizzy, minishorts, etc (but we all know which direction this blog went eh? when the indie bug bit me and left me going mr indie for like, the past 2 years). And then, I got reminded of my old friends whose blogs I used to follow religiously because it would be a window into what they are doing. There was rayleen who has not updated her blog since april last year O.O, Yu Ming who entirely, ka-pished his blog for some reason, which was a complete waste because it was filled with nice writings in perfect england, not like some half-mangled tart like mine, kyels which has bumped me off her friends list...too hard to communicate...maybe try again later when I'm really, REALLY bored...have lost contact since oct 2006...and of course, Syafiq's really endearing blog...which he has not updated as well.

[lameexcusemode]See, everyone's busy. I'm not the only one. [/lameexcusemode]

But personally, taking a walk down memory lane into something that is not really supposed to be a memory lane (as in the antique, museum-ish type) but rather something that you can see whats going on concurrently as well as read back about what happened. It kinda captures that moment. And it seems that I missed out on a lot and I wanna look back and see what happened. Makes me feel warm all inside again.

its nostalagic to see and read what used to be, instead of seeing what you see and take it at the face value, we get to learn lots from how people write. It tells you their personality. But I am reading just to improve my english. yep. I learn writing from reading.

It's 2am. time for bed!!