mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

usually I dont really like to talk about crap like these, but today I think I need to. I'm trying hard to not puke at my own self pity.

I'm getting a bit frustrated of all the things I can handle, yet they spiral out of control....okay...damage control: make up for what I did the only way I know how: work harder!

AND HAVING EVERYTHING GOING INTO TURMOIL and having no one there just when I want to talk to someone just because I made the only person whom I can talk to mad at me.

Really tired now but just want to numb it all off. Stress like that and emotional crap that surfaced after a few newspaper articles.

Made me realize why part of me is not what everyone or even I myself expected myself to be. And many people thought, and even made me think that, I was diffrent in a way that I dont want to be, Also made me realize why was she so erratic....yet she put up with so much crap I piled on her for 5 years...she must have felt double of what I did but yet went on to be the high achiever while I was like, crap. Now I know the answer. And I hate its effects. I dont want to think about it yet I keep asking why did it happen to me, what did I do to end up like that. It hurts, yes, it hurts but there's nothing I can do but to wait for it to get numb.

songs are novocane. listening to the same song on repeat for 2 days helps a bit for me to function normally.

People tell me to get help but hell no, I'm not paying someone to listen to me whine and get $$$ for telling me things I need to hear. Especially when a friend's not talking to me that I treasure a lot because i did something stupid. Feels like tearing my hair up. Makes me better if that friend talks to me again, but that friend chose not to.

let it be, that friend is still mad, a mutual friend says, its the worst time to talk to that friend now.

I feel fanfucktastically guilty because I keep hurting the people who care for me and who has been so patient to me since like ever. I've been trying to make up for all the broken promises and letdowns and dissapointments by working harder, yet I still mess up. Feels like a total fuck.

I'm gonna go to sleep, maybe cry a little.

Call me a whiner, but I need an outlet. so there.

rising like [imagination here plz]

I'm truly happy and content at the moment. And it's one of the best feelings in my life.

Come to think of it, no one around me has ever made me feel like I'm useful, wanted or appreciated until this moment. Or in the loop or have responsibilities for that matter. It feels free and great to be with people who trusts you and whom you can trust because they do trust you and they dont have ulterior motives. It's not just a one-way affair. It's for the first time I experience mutual trust, and for the first time, real self confidence that comes when you know you can do it and you can appears. If everyone was apprehensive and was determined to ground me as a normal member for the rest of my life even tho I was willing to help the organization grow, I dont think this would have happened. I hate the way how some organizations exploit and empower all their capable members to the fullest while leaving less capable members to lick the dust, denying them any spark of potential at all. And I'm not talking about the coporate world. Although, they are very good, kind and sincere people and I understand they cannot risk their organizations.

I realize how much risk they are taking when they trusted me to do various jobs, but then again I realize it didint come overnight. They gave me chances to prove myself and I gave them everything I've got. I was kind of a total stranger to the organization and of course with that said, there were many who were apprehensive about me and me being a huge busybody. But they gave me a try anyway.

It's hard work, really. But at least, I am with people who really cares about me, and most importantly, who accept me as I am and dosent try to bend me into what they want me to be.

I'll always be the weird kid no matter where I go, but what matters the most is what is inside of me, and my true potential. I dont have to change myself so hard, or wear a goody two shoes, normal and sane halloween costume in order to be with them or for them to accept me truthfully, without ever pretending to like me or being okay with me when they're dying to run away or eject me off. And I accept them, despite some of the people there being egoistic, snobby, apprehensive, moody and bitchy in some ways because we're still people.

Maybe, some longtime "friends" who always tried to reassure me could never, ever do what they say they would. Is it just an expectation or is it something more when people try so hard to please that they lie and cover themselves up? and at the end of the day or rather, several months/years down the road, they claim they're too busy to meet friends but their blogs say otherwise. And they never, ever come online or even say "hi" even when they are, because they're too "busy" chatting with other friends, or block me and pretend that nothing ever happened.

perhaps, they might have good intentions. But good intentions is never a good excuse to be irresponsible to friends and emotional matters. they can lie to themselves all they want, but the more people they hurt, the more they make themselves miserable with their deluded version of "good intentions".

yea, it hurts, but they're not really worth a tear anymore. They're just emotional baggage, years of broken trusts, promises and hopes accumulated through since we known each other. They dont care as long as they're happy and their life is occupied with trying to impress and doormat brand new friends which they change every month like disposable contact lenses.

emotional baggages drops down from the hot air balloon of my heart and mind which floats up higher and higher.

perhaps if you even do read my blog anymore, boys/girls, it's pretty clear who I am talking about?