mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

nothing changes, everything changes

yep, my favourite phrase, also the favourite phrase of someone dear to me. Why? because nothing changes about me on the outside, but everything is diffrent in the inside. Of course, no one needs to know, and there is absolutely no reason for me to pretend to be holy shmoly to impress people or make old friends go "OMG!! YOU'VE CHANGED!!!!!!!!!1 WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!!!!!!111111WAN"

lets just say, I'm not intrested in making impressions. If you wanna know what's diffrent, see for yourself.

This is just a small note, really.

next level?

It's when you tell life "okay, I'm ready to move on, to grow up!" and you really mean it, not because of some peer pressure or some delusional state, life slaps back at you the things you did in your past. Chapters that were not closed, more often in the form of the people that you once was would come and take a stab or two at you, friends that you thought was lost because they merely got more fearful of the world and decided to clam back as much as possible, making a strong reminder with a very deep impact that you were almost like that.

You want to move on,trying out to moult of your old shell of a character and forming a new and better one, only to discover, it's just a happy lie you tell yourself so that you can "move on". Moving on isnt really pretending that everything in the past dosent matter, it is reconciling with everything that happened, in a way that you have an explaination for all the questions that pop up during the incidents. You try to be as diffrent as possible from the past only to discover that you are no diffrent than what you are last time. And of course, reminders and triggers make sure you realize it every single moment.

Because you still react the same way to things. You havent changed.

There is a fine line between improvement, depression and being able to accept who you are. They might look like two extremes but they're the same.

Progress wise, I'm not that antisocial anymore, the net is still my source of comfort but its slowly breaking out in to the world of real, breathing, living people with warmth, body language and facial expressions. I realize now the reason why I am so fearful of people is because I have great difficulty in reading and understanding body language. But thanks to the care and love of someone, I'm starting to learn and coming out of my shell. It takes lots of energy to help someone like me, but he did it. And for that I am gonna change the way I react to bad experiences, even if it's gonna drain me of all the mental energy i have left.

just some thoughts

its hasnt exactly been a walk in the park for me. lots of internal demons are coming up. That kind of feeling, the feeling of losing a friend is back. Its really a dreaded feeling and although I have lost lots of friends, the feeling still strikes dread in my heart.

but of course, I'm not really hanging on this time. I'm sick of being reminded of things. People are gonna be erased from my contact list and I am going to stop visiting certain forums. I'm just tired, really.

Anyway, I have a life to move on to. why let certain people drag me down? My workout journal is there but fine, it's about time I make a hardcopy anyway. Nothing much to whine or rant or bitch about.

"Hello Another Way! ~sorezore no basho~" by the brilliant green
Lyrics: Tomoko Kawase
Composer: Shunsaku Okuda
From the album "Los Angeles"
translation from: http://www.amake.us/documents/translations/index.php?artist=thebrilliantgreen&song=helloanotherway

Yesterday it was floating, scattered far off in the moonlight.
Say hello. Even so, let's move forward now.
Even if we're suddenly all alone.

We look down at the city and laugh, "A wizard and his blue bird."
In the crimson sky of phantom flowers we pray...

Let's sing a song! "Hello! Another Way!"
Your sky... someday, even if we're apart...
I love you. Big kiss for my friends! We'll always be pals.

Yeah sing a song! "Hello! Another Life!"
Someday you'll all go off to your own places
but for now we're together, until that time comes around.

Rainy days; the rain of tears you shed when you stop your own weakness
Even if you get stronger I hope you'll remember me.
Because whenever you're nervous I'll give you some courage.

The high noon moon that followed the dazzling summer sun has broken through
the darkness of your dreams. At the height of the sky that catches your breath,

Let's sing a song! "Hello! Another Way!"
Reach out your hand and dream, even if we're far apart.
I want to believe... because I've decided that someday it will come true.

Let's sing a song! "Hello! Another Life!"
I've made it this far thanks to you.
I'm glad to have met you. Thank you, my friends! We'll always be pals.

Yeah sing a song! "Hello! Another Life!"
Someday you'll all go off to your own places
but for now we're together... until a new morning arrives.

melting nightmare

being really busy for the past few months and having nothing to blog about, here I am again.

sometimes, I feel like this blog is filled with self deception, but at the same time it brings me deeper to myself.

remembering all the friends I had and lost, all the feelings that I went thru to make me grow up, all the things I gained and lost

All looks lke a dream.

reality here i come.

so many friends I miss, yet so little I want.

I am so diffrent yet so still the same. I still hate human contact and love the morbid, but now I am those, yet I am someone who is inclined to help others and someone who is a lot more stronger than he appears. I will be what I am.

Just accept.

Old friends or ex friends I welcome with open arms and no inhibitions or malicious intentions. Sincere apologies and changes I offer.

The nightmare is finally over