mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

weightlifting and insecurities

Insecurities. The bane of the 21st century and the cause of so many problems.

Insecurity is the constant feeling that something is missing inside. And the constant need to fill the hole. And sometimes it gets too painful we call it lonliness and depression.

There are many ways to deal with one's insecurity, but the general method is to pile something up on it so that you wont see it. It's probally a hobby or an activity, such as playing computer games, sports, a partner or drinking, or it can be an additute change at an intermediate level (being cynical, bossy, or even philosopical) or in a higher level, psyche change (obsessive compulsiveness about cleanliness, amassing friends and money, getting the latest technologies, products, food) but really, does it really help with facing our problems?

I do lift weights, but I do so for a stronger body so that I can go around doing my things easier and be more healthier as well as being more visually asthetic to people around. And there are people who lift weights to cover their insecurities. They want to be the one who lift the heaviest, they want to be the biggest guy around, they want to get girls (or guys) or they want to impress their friends. But where does this take them to? Because no matter how much you lift you will not feel that it is heavy enough or that you're big enough. It's like a hole that never fills up no matter how much soil you try to cover it with. But if you mark it there, you no longer trip or fall into it and problem solved. In the case of having a small body, just weightlift until you get desired results and stop or do maintainence work thereafter. But then again, why be uncomfortable with a small body? if it makes daily activities a chore, and you get stronger to get around that weakness, that is perfectly good but if you want to get big because you detest being small feeling insuffecient, or detest being fat and flabby and that is your only motivation, its the same as trying to fill in a bottomless ditch.

re-checking our intentions can prevent us from being insecure and avoid lots of mental pain.

Oh the excitement!

having 3 progress tests this week as well as completing all 3 assignments in one day really gives you a giant andrenaline rush. I banged my knee onto the table yesterday in college and it still hurts. hope it wont hurt that much later. it was fun tho the mix of feelings and stuffs, probally the last one in this college before I leave. And I am really looking forward to the day where I wave good bye to it because well, after 4 seasons of being in my college (actually, 3 and a half but still its too long.) It's not a sitcom unfortunately so it running too many seasons is a loss. 1 more month to go before I graduate. maybe I need a ticker or something to feel my heart with joy as I see the less than one month deadline before either bumming at home or working in some NGO before I get a real job. I'd like to do my degree but really, not anytime soon because I lack transportation to go anywhere. Because there is a place that I am attached to now and well its not gonna be that easy for me.

Just had a talk with an old friend lately and it seems that I'm getting on her nerves for being slightly more judgemental that I was. Maybe because I'm more brazen by all the experiences that I've been thru and more cynical at it. Maybe I hate being the good and innocent guy all the time. And the thing is she hasnt talked to me in a while. It's all slightly weird and confusing, but really in the end it does feel like I am falling out from her. Yet another friend to strike off my list? I dont know. Hopefully not. But point taken -- I shouldnt be too judgemental of everyone I see or know just because I'm pissed with them and stuff. But right now, its not really a time for me to be oh so friendly and all. But mabs, I hope that you'd understand that nowadays, I'm pretty much stressed and I just need someone with an intelligent conversation or something. You'd probally not read this anyway, but its still here in case you ever do.

I'm growing up now and I have more and more commitments to handle and it does feel good. But I do miss the fun days where I need not worry about the allocation of funds for the stuff I want/need (and the list is just growing) and I do need to start eliminating unessary stuff out of my list as I lack in finances and resources in aquiring them.

blogposts used to take a few minutes to write, now they're taking days even. Because there isnt anything much to talk about anymore.

lol, internets

http://asia.cnet.com/reviews/blog/teteatech/0,39066188,61992968,00.htm

Someone having a dig at our dear ISP. But unfortunately as intellectually simulatiing and accurate her article is, she got a few points wrong. How embarassing! But really, you gotta give her credit for having a dig at tmnut in an international blog.

It's about time someone talks about all the crap we've been putting through, but then again, it is the only thing we have. Is it wise to diss something like that? But still tmnet is providing below than average service to the user. And thats basically wrong in the most basic level. But well you cant diss the golden goose even tho it's retarded right?

But seriously, when was the last time you hear a malaysian corporations put things right? At the cost of their own profits they'd put up extra service for others and sacrifice whatever they have for their reputation? We may here american, japanese and south korean companies do that but not malaysian. Why? because we dont exactly have a conscience. As long as we provide the service and get paid, it dosent matter if the customer dies or suffers terribly from using the product and our reputation goes down the drain. The mentality has been somewhat like this for quite sometime now. Lack of a sense of responsibility.

Australian television networks have already ridiculed tmnet for their crappy services and top gear has bashed proton, but will these two corporations ever learn? Do we need invervention from other ISPs in other countries, to boycott and shame tmnet or in proton's case, having UK bar the imports from proton before these coporations decide to improve? That is the million dollor question. what will it take for things to improve? a miracle?

It is often the smalltime companies around that provide excellent service even at midnight, for example my web hosting company. A few years back, it had some problems with the server and my site was unreachable. it was around 2am at that time. I sent an email and got an immediate reply. And a few minutes later the problem was rectified. no delays.

to a friend: if its the things I said that you have been referring to, dont worry about it. I understand people need their space and I am more than willing to grant infinite amounts of it. Partially because I need time for myself, as my duties get more. But sometimes certain events that I read in some places related to mutual friends does rip my heart off because it does make me feel that I'm a nobody to you. But I guess thats something I need to go through because I need to learn.

I've heard very good advice on how to deal with events like these in a parable: a woman who really wants a child dreams of getting pregnant and giving birth, and so she becomes very happy. But at the same time the child dies, and the woman becomes very sad. when she wakes up, all of these emotions are gone because it was just a dream. All the good times and bad times end up to nothing in the very end. Going beyond that wont be so easy, but it will once I go through them enough. All the nice and not so nice events boil down to mere experiences in the end. And to jepordise friendship with nothing is pretty much stupid. However, I do have many ways to check for hypocrisy and dishonesty and no one except a few people who are super wise ultra intelligent, because I learnt it from them. So as long as you're sincere and honest, the friendship will always remain there.

Getting depressed is part and parcel for me but now I have an extremely good friend who rarely contacts me but will always be there whenever I need him or when things get too bad. He's well respected and very wise. He's been through a lot more than anyone has and really believes in what he is doing. And he's going to help me learn to be a better person and I will know that he will never give up on me even tho I have. He knows more about me than anyone else and I will not hide anything.