mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

yay angpaus =D

its been the whole week of chinese new year celebrations that has happened.

1st day went to uncle's house (as usual)
2nd day went to mom's family home
3rd day came back to kl with granny
4th day went to sungai congkak and buffet <--imma get fat
5th day went kuala kubu and new year prayers thing
6th day went to special party for volunteers and drank some alcohol XD

yep, that was basically a well-packed chinese new year and I did get a bit more extra money this year. I need it to buy my new computer. its waaaaaaay overdue and I really need one +_+ and yay! I finished my assignments and all.

mm getting busy again. posting later

losing it a little

I recently watched a gorgeous but pretty much aimless movie: marie antoinette. It's more or less about the idylic emotional life of the french queen who was beheaded for her flamboyance. Like empress cixi of china, only diffrence was the latter did not get behaded for her flamboyance because they couldnt get close enough to her.

whenever people refuse to live in the moment and instead choose to be reckless in the way they treat others or when they allow themselves to enjoy at the expense of others, they become hated no matter what the justification used. The protagonist of the movie was hated by the royal family because she acted recklessly when treating them. I've sort of seen this sort of thing happening with people who are not from a royal family yet act in a way like they are, and they keep hurting everyone around them, then when things happen they go hide in their own little world.

it's not really wrong to have indulgence if you can afford it, but it is not exactly something good to use it at the expense of others' resources. I dont really believe in what's right and what's wrong in absolutes anyway, if people are suffering from it then it should be stopped.

I've been slacking off for these few days. augh. despite the mounting pressure of things to be done. just feeling too tired and too lazy to continue. Usually it's an indication of something unsolved. But this time I'm not sure of what. Insomia also seems to be the order of the day these days, as thoughts flood into my mind of old friends and what not.

"Living in the moment means not letting past experiences colour the present" thats the advice I got from a very wise person. It's pretty much hard to put into action, but I'm sure it will be good. I wont let my expectations that I had for my ex to be placed on any of my new potential girlfriends, if there is ever one waiting round the corner or what. I'm not exactly that intrested in love anymore anyways. More intrested in being a better person.

I just realized today that the reason why life sucks is because of uncertainty. You never know what's next and for most of us it gives plenty of discomfort. You never know if what you did will come out as expected or will it just explode. You never know if this friend of yours can be trusted or not. you never know if the certain things asked have another meaning which is not exactly that nice or they're just innocent.

Some people deal with pain and disasterous outcomes by having a big, short outburst at the moment. some people convert the pain into hatred that simmers for life towards only one person. As for me, I deal with emotional or physical pain slowly like a loan repayment scheme where I'll constantly feel minute amounts of pain for the next few years or so. That's why I dont hate people because it dosent get redirected. Sometimes when i say i hate, it means the character.

But really, getting tired of trying to solve all these. Maybe if I'm really lucky, someone will be kind enough to show me how to deal with them on a more ultimate, all encompassing level rather than a temporary solution for each problem. too time and energy consuming.

Protected: Weirdest dream ever

How did they do it?

Sometimes, I see people helping other people getting through their problems and insecurities and they do it with so much love for that person no matter how much their "patients" betray them, lose faith in them, dont listen to them, make the same mistake again and again, come up with excuse after excuse, refuse to make time and so many other things. Yet everytime they have a problem these people will be more than happy to solve the problems and help the people betrayed them. I tell you if I were them I'd give up hope a long time ago and start knifing people or just letting them rot, then going over and say 'see! I told you so! now go reap what you sowed!' or when they come back to me, refuse to help them because what's the use? help them now and let them repeat the same mistake again?

Let me tell you frankly. It hurts when you see people suffer and you know exactly how to help them. It hurts a lot when people refuse help even when they need it badly, willing to suffer even when the way to end it is clear. It hurts when you know you can do more to help someone and that person refuses. And sooner or later you're gonna get tired and just throw everything away. You'll break mentally and emotionally.

But there are some people who continue helping and doing all they can even though they're hurt badly, they have some of the worst childhoods and experiences ever known. You'd expect them to just commit suicide and well, poof everything ends because they deserve to have an escape. They deserve to be respected and they deserve to be in a comfortable place. but no. they tell you that they went through everything willingly and happily just for the sake of aquiring the knowledge and skills to help people. It's touching, really.

Then, what, what I went through is comfort when compared to what these people went through. Those who are close to me they will know I've gone through hell and back, dealt with some of the worst kinds of people around and have my life upside down. But they're nothing, really compared to such great people, whom instead of wallowing in self pity and using it as a reason to hurt others either physically, mentally or emtionally, uses the painful experiences and even shares it with people to inspire them rather than hold it on to them so closely.

even now, for those of you who already know it, it's still very hard for me to talk about it despite all the counselling and healing.

I wonder how did they do it, for the sake of other people they offer so much help unconditionally. And these are not even their friends but people they barely know. if because of my insecurities, I fail to help a friend, how do I even help a stranger?

thoughts

It's 3.30am (when everything's done it's 5.30am now) and insomia has driven me to new heights in terms of my permability at work and thought. It could be because I added coffee powder to my preworkout shake to help burn fat (yes, caffeine does that, its true worked for me once but I fattened myself up again), it could be because I have mild food poisoning and my stomach giving me mixed signals of bloating and hunger, or it could be just that I got inspired by someone to blog.

lets rewind/recap a lil on Joey's reality TV show for 2006: Joey recovering from having a bad rash of bad friends tries to find more good friends and ends up with one, who helped him through many stuff. Joey first met her on a writer's meeting and somehow or rather got in touch with her through a malaysian online community whom Joey assumed to be matured. He also knew 2 other friends from there but one turns out to be an asshat and the other stopped talking to Joey. Joey also got to knew one of the people who made the life of his new friend miserable, tried to know her and made his life slightly miserable for a short period too. he gets new and better friends from the camp he went. He also got to knew a very nice girl from the same community who turns out to be a good friend in the end. He also starts making friends in another forum he's active in and discovered a few gems amogst the people there, and has one of them as an online only friend and confidiante. He also gets his first paying job as a ____________ for a __________later after that, he enrols himself into an external course which costs a lot of resources, time, money and effort and later discovers a spiritual guide as well as a group of people like him: the bottom of the barrel weirdo freaks of society working together for inner peace and harmony. However, a friend he knew from camp reacts in a bad way due to his immaturity and ends friendship with joey, causing another brief miserable moment.

Fast forward to 2007: Joey discovers the missing link between a longtime friend and his newfound friend, which turns out to be one of the nicest people he ever knew although she is in canada. he also took on 6 subjects, intending to complete his diploma. Soon after that, he decides to help his spiritual guide with work and got slightly busier. He's now at the zenith of his 21 years of life as young (adult) male, with a purpose in life and friends that will not bring him down. even if they do, he wont go down anymore due to perfect and strong grounding. What is in store for Joey? Due to joey's huge change in character over the course of one year, he will have to face several bigger challenges, with one longtime friend having a drastic change of body and mind, and serveral more political issues between the 2 spiritual refuges he belongs to.

Okay, enough with them craps. Now for the real stuff.

Basically, I *am* very busy as I've stated in the 875789 posts before this so I wont be able to blog much.Morover, I'm keeping more things to myself than before, mainly because I dont think anyone would care and neither will I. I'm looking at the list of people who added me to their MSN, knowing at one glance who blocked me and who did not. It's a really long list consisting of over 200+ people, and for most I have no intention of adding back. I've made many new good friends and I have been doing the job of a counsellor, confidiante and a regular, problem laden 20/21 year old man. growing up is a lifelong process but I'm not gonna wait till I become 60 to learn what I am supposed to because I believe in taking responsibility for my actions and for my friends' happiness. Sounds weird? let me explain. What are friends for? to leech from emotionally, physically, mentally or financially? To milk them dry until they cant benefit us anymore? To be nice to them only when you're in a good mood and treat them like trash just because you dont feel like it? No. Friends are people you can depend on when you're down for a refuge. I know some people use friends as an exploitation tool, some sort of taken for granted magic genie, some use them as a cover for their insecurities....the list just goes on and on and on. All kinds of odd people and you have to learn to avoid. And as a friend, you have to know your duties, that is to never let someone whom you consider as a friend, who has done kindness to you before down. Are you gonna treat them like shit without caring about how they feel? That is responsibility. You dont leave anyone in the dark or out in the rain. That is what I believe anyway.

I miss my friends. especially one that has helped me walk through tough times where I was mentally unstable and my shell was soft back then. This friend actually called me up to talk to me instead of doing it online. I'm more than thankful to him for bearing with my unpredictableness and erractic behaviour. Although its been a long time since we last contacted, and honestly , I must confess I'm always afraid that due the lack of contact, the precious friendship may have been forgotten by the other party and I become just another guy on the street for him. And sometimes I feel sad that things have to turn out this way due to unavoidable circumstances on his side.

But it's allright. because in life being cynical keeps you safe from the storm. I like being cynical like I've said, and I like it better without friends telling me what to do and what not to do. You know people are using you as an ego trip when they insist that whatever you're doing is wrong even when you know that for it to be wrong is completely illogical

Classes start 4 hours later, and I am sleepy.But since I have classes sleeping is definetely out of the question. Perhaps a little nap now that my heart is finally free.....................