mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

*blurb*

Its been a long time since i made a proper blog entry.

I'm not exactly in a good position since I stopped blogging, which is why I refrained from blogging. What I'd blog during that time wont exactly be good. If I dont really have anything to say, I dont say it. simple.

I've finally contacted a counsellor and resolved a problem that has been bugging me for a really long time. I'm feeling a lot better than I ever have in a very long time. I feel complete again. But still it dosent change certain things that have already happened that cannot be undone for good. So I'm moving on.

People tell me I'm more cynical. Some people say I've opened up to a more "human" guy rather than some robotic idiot. Some say I'm more matured. Guess things have really changed this time. I'm changed the way I look at life and it has done a lot of wonders, with many thanks to the kind lady who helped consel me on the phone over the deep seated issue (mom's not gonna be happy with the phone bill, 40 minutes of conversation wont look pretty on the bill) and I feel like I'm ready to take things ahead and confront them firmly instead of running away to hide somewhere.

I'm taking my external exam tommorow. Need the luck, really

maybe I'll make a longer post on something that I wanted to get out for a few days, I just let them simmer in my brain because I dont want half cooked thoughts to go around and damage people. I still love bjork.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

To all who celebrate christmas,

MERRY CHRISTMAS! and um, many happy returns?

Anyways, be happy and enjoy this season of giving

the creed

With a determination to accomplish
The highest welfare for all sentient beings
Who surpass even a wish-granting jewel
I will learn to hold them supremely dear.

Whenever I associate with others I will learn
To think of myself as the lowest among all
And respectfully hold others to be supreme
From the very depths of my heart.

In all actions I will learn to search into my mind
And as soon as an afflictive emotion arises
Endangering myself and others
Will firmly face and avert it.

I will learn to cherish beings of bad nature
And those oppressed by strong sins and suffering
As if I had found a precious
Treasure very difficult to find.

When others out of jealousy treat me badly
With abuse, slander, and so on,
I will learn to take on all loss,
And offer victory to them.

When one whom I have benefited with great hope
Unreasonably hurts me very badly,
I will learn to view that person
As an excellent spiritual guide.

In short, I will learn to offer to everyone without exception
All help and happiness directly and indirectly
And respectfully take upon myself
All harm and suffering of my mothers.

I will learn to keep all these practices
Undefiled by the stains of the eight worldly conceptions
And by understanding all phenomena as like illusions
Be released from the bondage of attachment.

not easy to do, but heh if it was easy, I wont do it. Still trying with little progress.

and oh by the way, this site is gonna expire in another month or so and I dont really have plans of renewing it.

see how it goes. if this goes, LJ goes as well.

…le wow

it's amazing how you can blurt all your deepest root secrets when you're blindfolded, sitting in a group and hearing similar stories.

you keep telling yourself you wont, but in the end you did and it made you feel better.

like, am I weak?

yknow, there comes a time in life where you want to head to a new direction because you're getting bored at the old one. But some friends seem to hold you down.

changing yourself is never easy, and it involves a lot of effort and pain because a large part of yourself dosent want to change and when you force it to, you get vunerable. But to change is to force yourself to remove the parts of yourself which you dont like, which also results in deep depression as you look at your own weaknesses. Thats what I'm going through now, plus the stress of trying to study for an exam that I must pass.

but despite all those I can still laugh and joke around, and not whine. because that is just how I am. Messed up quite a lot of things for these past few weeks with the internet life, including someone using my MSN account and randomly deleting contacts on it. Had to re-add a lot of people. thank goodness I consolidated my MSN list earlier. the person who accessed my MSN account is someone I know and very close, but of course he/she does not have my permisson. I also wondered what she said to the online people. Oh well. password changed and she wont be able to get in anymore. muahahahahhahahahaaa

however, when "friends" seem to make you sad and unhappy, because what they're doing is harmful to both you and them, its time to burn the bridges. I'm not the kind of person who likes to write off people easily, because difficult people are good for my practice, and I can still slather them with a lot of sweet words because it is after all the internet, but what about the people who are throwing bitch fits at me and doing things that's not beneficial? they're gonna get it the way they gave it to me. and I cant exactly help those friends who lie either. They're just going to make their days more difficult for themselves, because they're creating expectations that are acceptable yet unreasonable at times, because everything can be unpredictable. Or maybe, there is a personality clash between me and them and me, and there is nothing good that comes out from it. I do not want to further create bad impressions on both me and the other person involved.

so folks, when people start throwing bitch fits at you for no particular reason, citing some pretty irrational reasons for it, you know it is time for you to move on. same goes for love relationships. Now do you see why I am still single? It's because I do not want to chop up people's hearts and leave bad impressions everywhere. I'm good enough at doing it myself through forums, MSN and this blog. now you see why they must go?

but thats not really the source of the problem. It's meeeeee. I'm the source of all this. And I need to fix it. I'll have to go get all the tools to help me along, and that I have and still will be down for mantainence. That is why I rarely blog anymore, because I'm too busy fixing myself!