mindcandy pennies from the overgenerous lunatic

A simple prayer

Today was really kind of one of those days where it appears to be shitty because you made a really stupid mistake of asking your friend when does classes start but you forgot to ask what time is it. Classes start at 1 but I woke up at 7 (unwillingly) and reached college at 9. Waited 4 hours and passed the time reading yongfook.com (he's really funny, just read him) and loitering around ampang park pretending to buy something when I am really not.

I was kinda expecting this to be a ruined day, complete with headaches and all. But something I saw at yaohan plaza (which, was by the way the opposite of ampang park) really did set me thinking, as well as gave me more peace in my heart. Well, I do reminicense about the past from time to time, and well, it does make me think that what would have happened if I saw everything coming and dodged it in time. One of those flashback kodak moments happened while I was browsing thru yaohan. I used to visit this place a lot when I was a kid and my parents would often took me to the large toys r us downstairs, in which I would oogle and marvel at all the pretty toys that I cant own. It also reminded me of how I would often browse that complex with an ex-friend. Times that could never be recreated and reconciling the friendship was way beyond my means, and I've already done more than I can to try to reconcile, braving thru all the mental stress of it all only to end up with nothing (and possibly deepened the misunderstandings/hatred on the friend)

Its times like these where we start looking around if there is a reset button in life -- what if I never did XXX? then I wouldnt have to suffer and all? And all the possiblities that could and might have happened flashed in my mind. Data overload, but the conclusion is I love the life I'm having now -- no more having to go against my internal beliefs and change myself so drastically until I cant even see myself, no more layers of denial to cover up or numb all the internal conflicts just so I can fit in and not be hated -- just being with the people who wont try to change me to the point they try to play with my core beliefs. My core beliefs are something very sacred and only very few people have the access to evaluate or change them. Anyone can change my external behaviour tho. Just that any attempts to change my core beliefs can cause me great pain, except if it comes from someone who is truly wise and unbiased to anything.

 Just that thinking back on how I whored myself just for friends and made a mess out of myself all for nothing (or for the experience or the heck of it) and now I'm cleaning it up does make me kinda sad, but well, its just that. And add a few people who has in fact ended the friendship in their hearts yet deny so to the pool of sludge, you get some dark clouds. But then, the milk has already been spilled so no point crying over it. And all these thoughts were flashed as I recalled the year of joy and tears while strolling round yaohan plaza until I saw a curio shop called tarot.

 It has a big wooden sign that was elaborately carved out of wood, which was really unusual, as well as a posterboard that described palmistry with albert einstin's hands and 10 cards of the major arcana of the tarot. And beyond the glass window was a display of tarot cards spinning round on a rounded display. swiveling around endlessly was an assortment of old world tarot decks such as the rider waithe, witches' and a few wooden boxes that contained tarot cards.

Well, I do know how to read tarot cards, but its mainly for myself. I dont own a deck, but the way I know how to read them is purely by instinct on the first day I knew what tarot cards were. In tarot, you cant just pluck a random tarot deck from the shelf. You need to choose one that was suitable for you, a deck that you feel is in tune with your mentality, personality and aura. If you use a deck that has conflicts with them, you may not only have inaccurate readings, but also nightmares and serval other bad things that might happen. And, one deck can deck your chin up high with a high cost. which is why I wont be owning a deck till I find mine -- its like finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

when I walked near the rotating shelf, I felt that my tarot deck was in there, but I could not see it even when I skimped through the whole roulette of decks. But one of the wooden tarot boxes there did catch my eye with a quote:

"God grant me with the serinity to accept
The things I cannot change
The courage to accept
The things I can
And the wisdom
to know the diffrence"

That prayer, which was distinctly pagan, yet was somehow incoporated into christianity blew me away.It suddenly gave me an elation I never felt before, and I felt a lot more lighter from my heart, burdened with guilt ridden memories of the past. I've always beliefed that God loved me despite all the hardships he made (or rather, forced) me to go through by clouding my mind, and that He only wanted to test my reslove and vigilance, as well as showing me back to the path that I truly belong. My faith in God is very diffrent from the faith of others in Him. Its a very strong version, yet unconditional, meaning, I dont love God because He [Insert justification/condition here], I love and believe in Him -- because I do. That is why I dont find mass prayers, gospels and other evangelical stuff, rituals etc appealing on a deep spiritual level. It only stimulates an outer curiousity layer, and at a deeper conscience, I find it utter blasphemy. But well, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. And I am not the one to challenge, tho this faith of me to God is not to be challenged by anyone, in the sense that they want to tell me what I am doing is wrong blabla. So is my faith, admiration and respect to the Buddha and His teachings.

God is there. He's helping me understand what life is. The Buddha's teachings ar ethere. They give me hints on how to manage the study of life without losing my mind. I have deep faith in both, a faith that cannot be questioned because there isnt any to be asked. God exists and its just stupid denying His presence because to me its like denying the presence of gravity and air. And the Buddha's teachings -- its the documentation of what life roughly is and how to lead it with the least drama. I dont see any conlicts.

 Just that, I manage to see things as they are.

Okay enough hoohaa about my beliefs. Back to the main story. The prayer I quoted and why it inspired me a lot. The serinity to accept what that cannot be changed is very important. It basically translates to accepting the truth, but it also means that its no point changing something you cant, like who your parents are, who your family are, what body you are in, and so forth. If you cant accept some facts, you're obviously gonna go bonkers and lose your direction and faith, and most importantly, your core beliefs, dignity and sanity. The strength to change those that can be changed is also very important because most of the time, you do know what to change, but then you just dont have the strength to change it because you're tired of all the things that happened, or you simply just dont have the will. It's things like being lazy to study, the inablity to stop eating lots of seafood despite going to the doctor twice a week to get injections for gout, peole's impression, your weight, your body's shape and size and so forth, so in retrospect, the strength to change what you can (that may appear to be a cannot) is very important.

Lastly, and most important line of the prayer, is the wisdom to know the diffrence. If you do not know the diffrence and change what you cant change and not change what you can, you're in for a lot of tears. It's like trying to blame everyone else when you are the one who is causing all the mistakes. It is definetely important to know the diffrence and not be in delusion or denial over what is happening.

 Well, I do notice that this prayer is often used by rape victims or drug/alcohol addicts trying to quit, but still, its a prayer that, I think everyone should pray for so that they dont hurt others and themselves, in any way.

I passed by the bridge connecting yaohan plaza and ampang park and saw a woman with a child, an old lady and a very young child begging for money. If I decided to donate, I would have to donate to all three. But then, I myself am starving, saving up for my webhost fees that amount to 144 bucks. I need to pay by the 20th.

This is life. I'm not complaining, only feeling bad that I did not donate anything. But for some reason, today, Joe treated me to 2 curry puffs and the bill was footed by Patrick. Weird friends, as well as weird coming of events eh? And yes, this is supposed to be my last semester if I hadnt have to retake 8 failed subjects. But oh well, I can manage. Just less time for personal stuff, thats all