mindcandy

for those who know me: it’s the nickname of my all time favorite japanese indie band.

those who dont know me well, but think they do because I meet them that much, will fail at this question.

seeya

As you guys know, I’ve been in a spiritual center and all the spiritual guide tells us is to be responsible for ourselves and others. Being responsible means facing the problem. Facing the problem means finding a solution for the problem and not covering it up with excuses and other things. It means being direct and straight to the point, and facing it head on without using some crap as a shield.

Been there, done that. That is why it infuriates me when people attempt to hide in their own mask. And its so blatantly obvious and sad. If you cant face who you are, how can you ever be happy? Because at the end of the day, no matter how many sets of friends you change, you still have to face yourself. Then what? suicide? depression?

Sacrifice? You dont fucking know the meaning of sacrifice until you give up potential high paying jobs, time, money, chances to broaden your experience, higher education and social life to work for something you believe in, even though the circumstances in there are against you (due to your own inexperience and mistakes.) so the next time you talk to me about sacrifice, shut up because you’re never ever gonna be able to face shit.

You dont even have the bloody guts to tell me that you do not wish to talk to me again, only after I pressed you further.

it infuriates me when people who have a good education, studying in some posh uni, mamaking with friends and playing soccer with them and basically enjoying youth to tell me they’re giving up things to move further, when all they did was to hide themselves.

I’m talking about an ex friend who cant face who he is, in case you’re wondering. I thought we lost contact but he was the one ignoring calls, messages and emails. It was until I sent him a hi message and he replied with a weird reply that I pressed him further on what he meant and he finally admitted that he treated me as a rag that he whines to and he has no use for me. I’m not who I used to be and I’ve lost total respect for him and have only disgust.

I guess that was how she felt when I dissapointed her again. Yet she had compassion for me and helped me up. I learnt from her to have compassion for such people. I guess its karma?

but well, KISS MY GRITS!

Yes. It’s been 4 months now and things have still not been getting any better, although inside of me is getting cleaner and cleaner every day as all the crap I have been hiding and stuffing up inside gets purged like Linda Blair’s +3 projectile vomit in Exorcist.

Yep. I’m alone in this battle. I thought people could help me fight this battle for me but nopes. They cant.

Although it is hard to face what is coming up ahead, but thinking positive in the right way (not in Selma’s way (Dancer in the Dark), that’s just escapism and you have no idea how many people do that…) that I can do it and get through it and I should start thinking about what is it like when I have already made it.

Somehow or rather, I am disapointed with myself in many ways because I turn out to be this completely different person who was reallly different than who I thought I was when things go wrong or go different.

Sadly, that is when it counts. Not normally. I’ve dissapointed someone deeply again. He’s very hurt by my dissapointing.

Only way to go is to change myself deep inside. Something that is happening slowly but surely at this moment.

yea..this word has been repeated so many times that people dont even know what it means.

It is when you accept the mistakes and the reprecussions that you reap from them and find a way to solve or reconcile them.

Frankly I need help but I cant get it which is why i have to depend on myself to do what I cant do.

ever since the layer of illusion shattered, I have been getting consistent headaches and panic attacks which caused me to shut down from everyone. Feels like a blockage in my brain because at those moments, my head acutally feels cold. Might need to ask a doctor what the hell is going on if I’m to progress.

against my will.

who’s gonna help? or even understand? I’ve been testing their patience too long to expect any form of help.

obviously, if I can look through this, this wil be ok. But that is the hardest part to do at the moment.

decision: recreate another illusion that caters to these people, or be totally honest and start myself from scratch.

I pick the latter, but it’ll take longer and these people cant wait any longer.

leave? y/n

n

honesty is coming back but still needs help.